Here and now
South Lamar Bridge — Austin, Texas.
Standing on the precipice of a career-shifting platform, I know it could only happen exactly now. Everything else needed to happen first. Every gut wrenching, tear-filled, sidesplitting, heartbreaking, peace-filled, joyously beaming moment of my life needed to happen to get me here to today.
A great force pulled me to Texas. The thing that actually brought me here dissolved upon contact with the Long Horn air, but the force didn’t care. Austin extended its velvet carpet welcome and I settled in comfortably.
Three years into my Chicago-life, my verdict was still out on whether I liked living in the city. Just shy of three years in Austin and I am certain this is where I’m supposed to be right now.
There are those catalyst moments that pull me down one fork of the road as opposed to the other. That exact right, ear-splittingly, Kerouac-esque, roman-candle-exploding-across-the-stars-like-spiders
crescendo of blinding blue centerlight that guides the way.
It’s about thinking and processing, as much as it is feeling the way through these moments on guttural instinct. We can’t really know what’s going to happen next in our lives or even what’s supposed to. We can predict, plan and prepare. We can do our best to control. Ultimately, what happens can only be directed by a solidly-rooted core supporting perfect intention that is synced with mindful actions.
Striving to become the best version of myself, I’ve learned to trust my Divine right path knowing I will always find what’s best for me. As I listen to the energy that exists beyond on material possessions and ego, I open my mind and release the outcome.
I let go of all those expectations that stuck to me like sticker-burrs I’d collected on my forged life path. I dispel society’s demand for a normal life. I follow the excited ball of electric energy burning deep inside my belly.
A childhood friend asked me recently if I regretted the decision not to go to graduate school right after college. I had been eyeing the Public Affairs Reporting program at University of Illinois – Springfield since my sophomore year in college. By my senior year though, my interest was just hanging onto its pre-determined, post-college plan.
When I didn’t get into the program initially I figured it wasn’t meant to be. Upon graduating at 22, I packed all my worldly possessions in my un-airconditioned, 5-speed Honda Civic and watched my Urbana-life disappear with the sun into the endless cornfields in my rear-view mirror.
I was welcomed 10-hours later by the majestically crimson, North Carolina sunrise that engulfed the Asheville mountains as I headed on to Charlotte.
One week later PAR program director Charlie Wheeler called me. Apparently I had been at the top of the wait-list and he was delighted to offer me one of the 12 spots to join the UIS program. I accepted and planned to head back in August, making this just another lovely summer in the Carolinas.
Two weeks before classes began, I called Charlie Wheeler back and withdrew my acceptance. I had been freelancing for a local, weekly newspaper and was finding a good life for myself in Charlotte. It was an amazing program, but the thought of moving back to Illinois at that point and living in Springfield brought angst to my soul and made my teeth chatter deep in my skull.
Nope. I don’t regret it.
I’ve certainly thought about how different my life would have been if I had moved back and got a Master’s degree and an internship at one of the top publications in Illinois, which included the Chicago Tribune and the Associated Press.
Alas, that was not my path.
This is.
It all converges here and now.