Swan Dive

That first step’s a doozy. Especially when you don’t see it coming. They were like cartoon characters with AK47’s coming through the front door of the restaurant that morning. As soon as I saw the little blond “kick-it” dog and the intensely aggressive pit bull, I knew I was going down.

Her rifle nearly tipped over her tiny Pomeranian frame, but the gun gave her what her chirpy, high pitched bark never did — Power. Her fluffy smile was 2 feet ahead of her as she approached the table.

“Cari, can we talk to you please,” the pit said licking his jowls. He hunkered into every muscle that supported his enormous frame. He didn’t really need a gun and rarely carried one, but this was one of those special moments where you dress for the occasion.

“Yep.” I jump up from my morning office perch at the hightop table on the other side of the dish room and close my laptop.

“Time is on my Side” by the Rolling Stones is playing on the Juke box as we descended the stairs to the Underground Wine Lounge.

It was fast and painless. That’s how pits are. It’s their nature.

I smiled and took it professionally. Left with my head held high and my mascara intact. My phone had been ringing and dinging since the email went out with the announcement an hour ago.

I texted my friends, talked to one of my closest managers who said, “I’ll cry for you Cari!” through her sobs. And then texted the husband and wife owners of the company and thanked them for the opportunity. When the owner called me that afternoon, as per my request for “clarity to help me grow and process”, I was 2 glasses of Pink Bubbles into my freedom.

He was real and so was I. I was the 11th person (I think, I may have lost count) laid off since January when it started with the president. I wasn’t onboard with how the company was growing. Absolutely not. Lots of decisions and discussions that went against the grain of who I am at the core as both a human and a manager.

I felt a great sense of relief. I didn’t have to reconcile the 3 P&L’s after my 10-hour floor shift and drive to Houston in the morning for a meeting anymore. Every time I see the Staples commercials from here on out, I am going to pay it gratitude because sometimes, every now and again, there really is an Easy Button.  

“I’m really great!” I emphatically professed to the owner at the beginning of the call.

And I truly was. I had known for a minute somewhere deep down that I wasn’t happy in my current position. It took being pushed off the cliff to make me realize all the possibilities in front of me and that I didn’t have to climb back up that same path. I opened my metaphorical wings and turned the moment into a swan dive.

In the free fall that ensued I felt a myriad of emotions. Fear. Regret. Humility. Embarrassment. Anger. Hope. Faith. Forward thinking. Opening myself to opportunities outside the box. Fear. Confidence. And more Fear.

Eventually I introduced myself to Fear and made peace with it. We now openly acknowledge each other’s presence and get on with our days. Usually Fear gets bored and wonders off, occasionally tagging out when his good friend Anxiety shows up. These are manageable issues within myself. I am the ring-leader; snapping my whip, directing Fear to leave and Anxiety to simmer and settle into something more productive.

I have especially realized lately how much the people in my life mean to me. The restaurant life of my past kept me from them in many ways. Lots of late nights and long days that left me on the crispy side of fried. I rarely could make it to the Friday or Saturday functions with friends and family. Only the really important events like weddings and funerals, and then I insisted.

I read an article this week citing that 40% of Americans don’t take all of their vacation days.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/arianna-huffington/paid-vacation-days_b_5693225.html

That used to be me. I got vacations in small pieces, or in between jobs. If I took a long 4-day weekend off as a GM, I generally had to work 11 or 12 days in a row on either side of it just to get the time. I always left unused vacation days behind when I changed restaurants.

The truths of being a freelance writer break down pretty simply. If I find work and complete the work, I make money. That means being published, which requires a discipline. Freedom needs to be balanced with personal accountability, daily dedication to writing and growing a solid business and diversified platform.

I am working on being the best boss I can. Holding myself to goals and deadlines and adjusting them when necessary with gentle understanding. I am also working at being a great employee. Using my work time wisely and for work. Not for trolling Facebook or re-organizing the tupperware cabinet. Showing up on time instead of snoozing.

If it is to be it is up to me.